Tom Cruise and the Price of Scientology

Chris Tormos, Contributing Writer


Courtesy Google Images

A few weeks ago in a reality far, far away, Tom Cruise was staring at his third set of divorce papers in 12 years. Normally this would be immediately filed under “who cares?” but some interesting rumors have been regurgitated from the acid indigestion that is Hollywood gossip. Reports flew as connections were drawn between the ages of each former Mrs. Cruise when the relationships dissolved; Mimi Rogers, Nicole Kidman, and Katie Holmes, all 33 as they announced their divorce; fueling the wildfire of rumors that these were more contractual arrangements than actual relationships.
After Kidman completed the second of Cruise’s contracts, ahem, marriages, Michelle Miscavige, wife of Scientology Chairman David Miscavige, was rumored to have held secret auditions, under the guise of a new Scientology training film. Beautiful actresses, loyal to the Scientology cause, were secretly being auditioned for the next co-starring role in the life of Tom Cruise, as lucky wife number three.
Among these, finalist Nazanin Boniadi was “selected and dated Cruise from November 2004 until January 2005” according to Vanity Fair. Unfortunately, after extensive preparation, makeovers, and a myriad of confidentiality agreements, Boniadi failed to get the part, and so the search continued. Enter America’s girl-next-door, Katie Holmes, who would eventually become Cruise’s third victim, ahem, wife. Pointing out the abnormalities in the process of auditioning wives is futile and hardly the most bizarre part of this tale. For all those uninformed, latch the space helmets, collect as many freeze-dried ice cream sandwiches as possible, and commence countdown to lift off.
It starts 75,000,000 years ago with Xenu, head of the Galactic Federation. Facing the slight inconvenience of overpopulation among his cosmic constituents, Xenu’s solution was straightforward, kill large groups of people, freeze their Thetans (souls) and send them to the galactic landfill referred Teegeeack, more commonly known as Earth. Unfortunately for these Thetans, their frigid souls were left precariously close to a few active volcanoes and most were destroyed by a series of nuclear explosions and few survived to tell the tale.
The goal of every modern Scientologist, or Thetan, is to reach a level of enlightenment, or state of “clear” through a process called “auditing.” This process is used to free the mind of previously “destructive” thinking and rebuilding the mental state within the teachings of Scientology. Not to be confused whatsoever with brainwashing.
A bridge metaphor is used to mark the progression of a Thetan’s journey through auditing, eventually reaching the highest form of enlightenment. With persistence along said bridge, a Thetan can become Clear, OT (Operating Thetan) III, and finally OT VIII, the highest current level. Such enlightenment can be yours with three easy payments of roughly one hundred thousand dollars; you too can achieve this clarity. This is where the exposure and ridicule should be directed; “religious leaders” who rob innocent people – guilty only of looking for answers – out of their life savings. Enron should have gone into the religion business instead of energy; they could have avoided all that pesky prison time and kept the stolen loot.
The path to enlightenment is found within, not on the memo of a check made out to some con man with your life savings as the amount. Don’t follow any ridiculous science fiction, written thousands of years ago or fifty. Don’t look anywhere but your own thoughts for the answer to life’s questions. Turn off your cell phone, sign off of every mindless networking site, and stop being so afraid to be alone with your thoughts. Go on walks, whistle with the birds, stare into the stars, get lost in music and let your mind wander; the answers will follow. This is where the clarity and beauty of life is found. And it doesn’t cost a penny.